Rules to being a Daedric Champion
by Loki Rahu Black
Summary: Ladies and Gents of Tamriel! Do you find yourself being a Champion to one of the Daedra? If you are, then follow these simple steps to be the greatest Champion to your Prince. And... not dead.


**RULES TO BEING A DAEDRIC CHAMPION**

 **CHAPTER ONE**

 **RULE 1-** _Don't tell everyone in Skyrim you are a Daedric Champion._ It will usually end with the Vigilants of Stendaar after your arse; in Lord Molag Bal's case, the Dawnguard will be out for your blood too.

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 **RULE 2-** _If you have the Beast Blood and are Lord Hircine's Champion, don't find Molag's Mace,_ _and_ _ask for Vampirism to, "change things up"._ You _will_ have Hircine and Molag warring after your soul… hm… on second thought…

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 **RULE 3-** _Champion of Azura/Nocturnal; don't tell the Daedric Ladies that, "your sister is the prettier one"._ They are _sisters,_ you n'wah! They will whoop your butt… then tuck you into bed.

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 **RULE 4-** _(Along with Rule 2). If you are a Vampire Lord/Lady (…?) and Lord Molag Bal's Champion, do NOT hunt the White Stag, to become a Werewolf and Lord Hircine's Champion, so you can, "change things up"._ You will _never_ sleep _again!_

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 **RULE 5-** _Lady Meridia's Champion; if for some reason you become mad at your Daedric Lady, DON'T defile Kilkreath Temple with necromancy and necrophilia._ You remember Malkoran, don't you, _dearie?_

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 **RULE 6-** _If your Daedric Lady/Prince decides you are their significant other, go with it._ It means – actually _,_ I don't know what it means, besides having a romantic relationship with a "Dark God".It has perks, though.

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 **RULE 7-** _"What does the fox say?"_ No. Just because the Shivering Isles has the best Wi-Fi, Loki, does not mean you can play that video on a ten hour loop, and hack-send it to _every_ Daedra's iPhone. Except for Clavicus Vile; Clav has a Galaxy S6, and worships it more than himself. That, and 'Droid to Apple "translations" suck. No matter how many times you hack-send it.

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 **RULE 8-** _"The Song that Never Ends"._ I will conjure a crossbow, and shoot you between the eyes. And before you ask, Molag taught me.

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 **RULE 9-** _Never ask Lord Malacath if the reason for Volendrung being so big is if he's compensating for something._ Fehnra: "He's not." Everyone else (Sans Malacath):*sweatdrop* Fehnra and Malacath: *Evil Smile*

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 **RULE 10-** _If you can't find Damon and Lord Mehrunes Dagon, DON'T go looking for them._ Lord Sheogorath: "Aye'd be barkin' mad, if aye wasn' already!" Damon: "Sheo, sweetheart, you'd be dead." Lord Mehrunes Dagon: "Next time, aim for the head" *pats Damon on head as he says this* Sheo: *sweatdrop* "My neck wasn't good enough?" Damon: "…no." *starts sharpening knives*

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 **RULE ONE; Kaaras (~Argonian~) Lady/Lord Boethia's Champion. "Don't tell everyone in Skyrim you are a Daedric Champion."**

T'was a fine spring day in Whiterun, (Of course, everything _has to_ happen in Whiterun,) children were laughing and playing, travelers and traders galore were bustling on this fine Rain's Hand –April- Tuesday. But that had to change at _some point_ in time.

Like now, fate had decided, when Kaaras, a Shadowscale from the heart of Black Marsh entered town, clad in the Ebony Mail of Boethia; two Daggers of Sacrifice strapped to each leg.

Lucia, Lars Battle-Born, and Svetlana –the Thane and Jarl Balgruuf's daughter- stopped playing tag, to observe the scaled man in mail. With little Lars behind them, the three approached Kaaras.

"What can Kaaras do for you, hm, hatchlings?" His voice was deep, yet raspy, and teasing, as he bent on one knee so little six year old Lars could look him in the eye, and so the two sixteen year olds would not be intimidated by his height.

"What kind of armour are you wearing, Kaaras? It's… _different_ from your others." Svet' said, before anyone else. The Argonian Dragonborn looked around before beckoning them closer.

He some-what praised, "You are correct, _little hatchling,"_ still teasing, "This armour is most certainly different. This," he gestured, "Is the Ebony Mail, of Boethia." Even though he had drawn them closer, everyone still seemed to hear him say he is the Champion of Boethia, by his proclamation of wearing the armour.

Just to Kaaras' luck, two Vigilants of Stendaar were right by him. And so, Kaaras was chased about Whiterun by the Vigilants, but he was too fast, and too quiet.

Sneaking back into the City through the Underforge, the elegant sight of Dragonsreach greeted the Argonians' eyes.

Noticing the camera, Kaaras gave a full-toothed smile and exclaimed: "And _that_ , hatchlings, is why you _never_ tell anyone you are a Daedric Champion…" Turning towards the Keep, you could just hear Kaaras mutter,

"Now to find that Jarl about trapping a dragon…"

 _ **Fin.**_

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 _ **Loki Rahu Black is BACK! With not what you would expect… Sorry about that. I can't decide what I'm doing right now with "Devil's Childe", and writing in general. Life crap happened, and I had a great story I was going to write, but I can't seem to get it down on paper. Really sorry my dearies… but, I have this little baby now, and seven more one-shots to write. Love you,**_

 _ **Loki Rahu Black.**_


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